I thought it was you
but you’re not
the only one
my lonely drug
you’re just the latest addition
to my pantheon
of addiction
an assortment of stimulants
external stimuli
that regulate my nervous system
through a series
of temporary distractions
and temporary highs
as judgment-free as
networking mixers
heart pounding workouts
adrenalized action movies
fatty treats, sugary sweets
mutual orgasms and
shared laughter
similar in their intensity
and the eventual low
at their eventual end
I find my torso sliding backwards again
into a familiar pit
my long arms scrambling
at the unreliable gravel
and unstable sand
that ring its hostile maw
tightening around me
panicky
looking frantically back to see
what’s pulling me down
and once again
it’s the weight of my
own two feet.

You mistake my toughness
for enoughness
and the embarrassing truth is
I feel neither
and even doubt the courage I pride
as mere recklessness
or stubborn denial
so
it’s not just you
and yet still I sink
flailing but resigned
since neither staying
nor leaving
will save
or solve
nor fill
the yawning pit
inside.

© S. Rinderle, 2013