I think I finally deciphered
this sensation in my chest
that only appears
when you do
on the other side of a door
constructed by a particular
muse
I recoil abruptly from its discomfort
yet it seduces with a subtle sweetness
among the bitter
like that perfect cup of morning coffee
delicious and aromatic
yet still too scalding
to ingest

It’s a convex swelling
a bowing in my ribs
like an overfull balloon
near bursting or
a dam trying to maintain
despite increasing pressure
gently building like
slowly accumulating
floodwater abundance or the
gradual expansion of air
in heat

I want you to be the one
to sing the lyrics this time
that you
want to reconcile the violence
and undisclosed desires
in my heart
still muffled and gagged
behind this door
docile in their den
but fed every day
time like air filling the balloon
our skin like water
flowing into
merging
threatening the brim but
to pour over the edge or
burst my ribcage would be
to lose all containment

my only defense

To hear you admit our love is
madness
would be vindication
you claiming this bastard emotion
is also yours
and it is named Love
would relieve
and release
this tension
Perhaps you seek immunity
before making a confession
but freedom has always been yours
and my love
real love
is not a prison of
expectation
but
until you can see through
these imaginary walls of fear
I hold up the dam
and hold my breath
and wear my beauty
as just a mask.

© S. Rinderle, 2013